When a new baby arrives, life changes overnight. While many people expect joy and excitement, the postpartum period can also bring exhaustion, overwhelm, and big emotional shifts. If you’re wondering how to support your partner or loved one after they have a baby, know that your role is incredibly important.
At be. psychotherapy, we see how much of a difference partner support makes during this transition. Here are five meaningful and practical ways to show up for your partner or loved one in the postpartum period.
“Let me know if you need anything.”
It’s a kind offer — but when you’re sleep-deprived, physically recovering, and emotionally stretched, figuring out what to ask for can feel impossible.
Here are three things to consider that make asking for help a bit less daunting (and more likely to help you get what you need from your community):
I have feelings when I read or hear misinformation about exposure therapies (often coming from well-meaning but misinformed therapists). This comes from a place of protection and desire for people who are suffering to have access to (and not fear) the very thing that can help them reclaim their lives from the vice grip of fear and anxiety. I have spent over 15 years helping people recover from phobias, obsessions and compulsions, and painful traumatic memories. I have witnessed some of the most incredible healing journeys and transformations, and all of it was made possible by exposure therapies.
I know, it’s gross. No one is a fan of vomit. But for those living with emetophobia (the intense fear of vomiting), thinking about nausea and vomiting isn’t just gross, it can make it incredibly difficult to live a vital, meaningful life.
For new mothers, keeping a baby safe and healthy is a top priority. But for some, this responsibility becomes clouded by fear, guilt, and rituals that take over daily life. This might look like: repeated hand washing and sanitizing routines; engaging in time consuming rituals that provide only temporary relief from feelings of uneasiness; choosing isolation over the company of loved ones, due to fear of illness or contamination; experiencing irritation, anger, and rage when others interrupt or do not follow important safety protocols. If safety behaviors consume your waking hours and motherhood looks and feels nothing like you imagined, this might be more than “new parent anxiety;” you might be experiencing postpartum OCD.
Living with anxiety can mean a lot of different things: from experiencing uncomfortable and life-limiting physical symptoms, including things like headaches and gastrointestinal upset, to losing time to attentional difficulties and indecision, to altogether avoiding activities that result in a rich, full, and meaningful life (because of the desire to avoid anxiety and discomfort). Anxiety is a menace. It can be all-consuming and create real barriers to meaningful living.
Though cultural narratives will lead you to believe that you should “glow” and feel calm, blissful, and excited during pregnancy and postpartum, many people find that their actual experience is marked by fluctuating emotions, highs and lows, and worry about their mental health. For some, especially those with known increased risk for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs: a term that encompasses perinatal and postpartum depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar disorders, psychosis, and posttraumatic stress), the perinatal period, which covers pregnancy and the first year after a baby is born, can lead to frequent worry and rumination.
Individuals with a history of traumatic events are reporting more frequent trauma reminders and symptoms during this pandemic: increased intrusive thoughts and/or nightmares; insomnia and disrupted sleep; increased uneasiness, anxiety, and fear; mistrust and emotional detachment or numbing; feelings of sadness and/or overwhelming guilt or shame. There are several reasons why pandemic could be associated with a greater frequency of trauma reminders and trauma-related symptoms. Take heart, as this pandemic will not last forever, and neither will your uptick in symptoms.
Why is this happening?
During my first meeting with a prospective client, I like to ask a few key questions:
How would we know if therapy was working for you?
What would be some signs that we could look for that would suggest that we were making progress toward your goals?
Responses to these kinds of questions vary; however, since I frequently treat clients presenting with concerns related to anxiety, responses often go something like this:
I would feel less anxious. I wouldn’t be so controlled by my emotions. I could make decisions based on what I wanted to do, instead of based on how much anxiety I think I would feel in any given situation. I would feel more free.
I like words. A lot. Words convey meaning, communicate ideas, and tell stories. They connect the dots. They connect people. They really matter to me. They matter to Juli, too, and when it came time to choose a word or words to name our psychotherapy practice, we wanted to be thoughtful and intentional.
As we approach our own work and the work that we do with our clients, we often ask:
How do you want to be? With yourself? With others?